Sitting here at my desk, at my chair
A clean sheet before me like a breath of fresh air
I pick up my pen, tap my head to think
A pen that’s not used an ounce of ink
As I think of things I want to write
I begin to get into a mental fight
Should I talk of dragons and legends of old?
Or teach a lesson that needs to be told?
The struggle continues, the ideas collide
Suddenly, the fighting subsides
What has held these ideas at bay?
A new idea has entered the fray!
This idea gives the others a much needed rest
And I know soon that this one’s the best
Sitting here at my desk, at my chair
A clean sheet before me like a breath of fresh air
I take up my pen, tap my head to think
A pen that will use all of it’s ink
How do I know which idea is best?
An original one has quieted the rest!
Why retell the fables of old
When I can make up what’s never been told?
I begin to write, my imagination takes flight
A series of events that constitute my night
All the werewolf and Elven and human din
Makes me come up with my own little spin
I cannot wait till my novel gets finished
Who knows, perhaps it’ll be published!
Laying down in my bed, under the sheet
I think of my work and why it’s so neat
Is it because it is a coming hit?
Or perhaps my work is full of wit?
Or maybe the fact that everything I like
Is in the things I need to write?
It is not one of those meager things
But rather my mind has sprouted some wings
To take me to lands across the sea
To go to places I thought I’d never see
To find someone to put my heart upon
And show my life has meaning to go on
I don’t need anyone to tell me what is light
All I need is my ability to write
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi there Dallas! Nice to meet you! I'm June, and I'm going to run over this for you, dear.
Let's take it bit by little bit.
Focus on connectivity, deary! Just because we need you to rhyme here doesn't mean that you have to force it. Be easy on yourself, and if you can't cut the rhyme, drop it, or go for slant rhymes. It's okay to be free formed.
Dallas, I'm really sorry if I came off as negative in explaining what I felt about this.
I DID like this, though. It takes a lot to sustain rhyme throughout a poem, and you did it well!
Keep it up!
June
Hey!
This was really awesome =]
I loved the rhyme scheme but there were some lines where it seemed a bit forced to me.
What I really loved was how you repeated the first few lines of the first stanza in the second one but in a different way
Great job!
Mimi xx
Brilliant. Everything rhymed and your poem flowed very well. My favorite part was probably the part where he was deciding what to write. Great job.
you described every facet of the story you told us everything, standing on all three planes of the situation.
physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
this is well done, it was a little mellow but, you did everything the right way.
this was well written and it reads like it it's talking to me.
I'm already irritated with the predictable rhyme scheme. Usually rhyme is acceptable and a great many poets use it, but in your case, you haven't meshed it well enough so that it flows with the poem itself. It's not fluid, more like bricks colliding against walls at constant intervals. It begins well, with the rhyme sinking into the meaning and words of the piece itself, but when you get to "I begin to get into a mental fight", from then on it sounds incredibly contrived. Mental fight isn't a powerful enough phrase to describe the sea of thoughts frying in your liquid brain; use something that will catch a reader's attention and jolt his imagination. The "lesson that needs to be told" also seems to have been stuck in there purely to rhyme. You have many choices with which to replace it; I suggest a line using "bold" or "gold", as you can incorporate much symbolism with those if you use them correctly.
"Suddenly" is quite possibly one of the worst transition words in literature. Take it out; I don't care what you replace it with, anything's better than what you have now.
You're being extremely vague about this "idea". I hope there's a reason for that which will be shown later on. If not, then stop referring to it as an idea and just refer to it as an "it", to gain some familiarity so it doesn't sound so formal and distant. Also, let us know why it's the best, because we can't just take your word at such a monumental statement like that.
Your poem was getting good and then the ending, starting with "all the werewolf..." just brutally killed it in mid-flight. What does coming up with your spin possibly have to do with anything? Of course, you can come up with a million tangential reasons to justify it, but at the end, it's just a word used to rhyme, and that's the danger with rhyming poems in general. Instead of spin, try fin/kin/sin/etc. I can't make any specific suggestions because this is something your mind has to come up with.
The published part is unnecessary and has absolutely nothing to do with anything you were talking about previously. Take out those two last lines entirely.
You're throwing many ideas on us here without warning. For example, you talk about it being the only motivation to live; why? The reader would at least like to be hinted at as to why your life is missing the adventure or peace of writing. It will make your poem that much more profound if you explain it (poetically, of course)
Hope that helped.
EDIT: Double post, sorry don't know how that happened.
Oh. My. Gosh. That was amazing. No joke, I swear that was so true that you have just made my day insanly awesome. I didn't notice any typo's or anything really, it had a really nice flow to it, there weren't any awkward pauses or breaks that it that I noticed, but wow.
This was great.
The words you used to describe everything were just brilliant.
Sorry I'm not all that good at reviewing, but this was really awesome.
My favorite line was probably when you talked about the mental fight and everything.
It's so, so true.
Nice job.